Just What IS Submission?

What is submission and how is it measured? Most men will tell you it is a woman doing what she's told by her husband. Most women will say it is having to give in no matter what. Is that true?

I don't believe it is. My answer is involved and has taken me all over the Bible searching for the answer. To my surprise, the word "submit" and it's related words "submitted" and "submitting" occur only 16 times in the Bible (Strong's Concordance). It took me about ten minutes to look up every reference. Only two of those references involve husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18). Both times that the Apostle Paul wrote that, he added as to the Lord.

Just what does that mean?

When I submit to God's will, it comes after prayer. I discuss the situation with the Lord; I tell Him my thoughts, my desires, my preferences, and He takes all of those into consideration before answering my prayer and leading me to the path He wants me to take. I then have to decide whether to go that way, or to go my own way. Particularly, if I want to go my own way, it is hard to submit, but I know that He has listened to my petitions and supplications, and I know that He has promised me that He only wants what is best for me. Choosing His way is submission and I can do that confidently, because I know Him and His Character.

Submission must work the same way in marriage. I must be able to express my thoughts, desires and preferences to my husband, confident that he will listen and weigh those in with his own thoughts, desires and preferences before he makes a decision. With few exceptions, my husband has faithfully done that and I trust him. I don't always like the decisions, but I can live with them.

What happens otherwise? Occasionally, I mess up as a wife. Occasionally, my husband messes up. Sometimes, it just hinges on the presentation. Not long ago, my husband announced he was switching our internet service. I have handled that particular choice, after discussion with him, for many years. I have scheduled all appointments, dealt with all problems (the tech support department knows me well), paid all the bills. I've done it all, and I heartily resented this dictatorial statement. In fact, it made me mad. My initial response was, "No, you're not." He said, "It's cheaper."

In a few minutes, when I had calmed down, I was able to rationally explain, "Look, I've been dealing with this for years. I finally have everything working well. If you want to make a change, we need to talk about it. For one thing, I just paid the bill, so I don't want to switch until the next payment is due. Secondly, I don't want to be without the internet, so I would like to overlap the two services for about a week so I can switch back and forth if necessary until all the kinks are worked out. Also, I would appreciate it if we could have a discussion about something like this instead of an announcement that you have made a decision about something that involves me so much more than it involves you. I am here all day and all night nearly all the time. You have other options if it isn't working since you have a backup at your office."

In the end, he is going to switch the provider, but he has agreed to allow for the overlap and wait until the end of the month to do it. I hope he also thought about his presentation for the next issue.

What happens when a wife feels she has no input? Several things, actually. She may lose her joy because she feels she is not valued or respected. When the joy is gone, her spirit may be broken and replaced by resentment and detachment in her relationship with her husband. Believe me, it takes a very godly woman not to experience those things. And sometimes, the resentment can last a very long time.

When our dog died a number of years ago, I declared that I never wanted another dog. I was so saddened by his loss that I absolutely did not want to go through that ever again. Several months passed and I stopped at the pet store for guinea pig feed. A shelter was having an adoption drive in front of the store, and there was this cute and sweet dog, quietly sitting in his crate with big soulful eyes. I made myself walk past. I went in the store and found the feed I needed, but went back outside and looked at that dog again. And I petted him. And I went back in the store. This went on for about 30 minutes. I knew my husband (and our kids) really wanted another dog. I knew if I took him home, they would all be thrilled. Even so, because I believe I am to be a submissive wife, I wouldn't make that decision on my own, because it is a huge, long-term commitment. My husband, when I called his cell phone, was in a taxi headed for the Philadelphia airport for a late-night flight home. When I asked if he wanted a dog, he cried out, "YES! What kind of dog?" He was all for it. Still again, I asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" "Absolutely!"

Enter "Beau" whom I renamed Samson after the significant struggle of getting that very muscular dog into my car - a place he had no desire to go. As I expected, he was welcomed with open arms and loved by all.

Meanwhile, my son and one of the property managers had gone to a shelter and selected a dog to be a watch dog on a property we owned. She was chosen for her size, scary looks and avid barking. They didn't know until she was placed on the property about her propensity to roll over on her back hoping for a belly-rub until she started doing it to potential thieves who would stop by the gate on the property. That was a pretty good giveaway that she wasn't going to hurt them if they scaled the fence.

My husband started talking about having to find another place for her and my kids were devastated because they'd fallen in love with her. We were, at that time, searching for a new home and hoping to find one with a large lot because Samson was systematically dismantling the small yard we had. The fountain cord was chewed up. So, too, the malibu lighting system. He pulled thirteen rosebushes out of the ground, roots and all in one day. He took off every window screen and completely demolished them to the tune of $600 replacement cost. The last thing we needed was another dog.

I told my husband, he could bring home Katina (the watch dog failure) if we moved. I was standing in the kitchen fixing supper one evening when Doug and our daughter came in the front door. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a black flash. Going to investigate, I found he had brought the dog home and now we had two in the small yard with all the negative ramifications you can imagine. I was not happy.

We did find another house after a few months, and moving helped. But quite honestly, and not without some embarrassment, I admit that I never really warmed up to Katina. She tried. I was her favorite person, but she knew she wasn't my favorite dog. For the first time ever, I turned over daily dog duty to my husband. She was so much to handle that I couldn't even take them to the vet by myself. I resented that as it made me feel inadequate and out of control. It's not that I couldn't or wouldn't do what I needed to for her, but the resentment lasted throughout her life. That's not right on my part, and it wasn't right for her. It changed Samson's life as well because she refused to be house-broken, and I refused to have one inside and one outside, so Samson was banned to the great outdoors as well.

Submission is an instruction from God. I know that and I don't mind that. But with it comes the responsibility for couples to communicate honestly and openly with each other so that informed decisions are made and each feels a part of the process. That's how Christ deals with His bride, the Church. She knows He is faithful to listen and make decisions for her benefit. Husbands must be that way in marriage as well.