Finding my Focus

Our household has been involved in the stress of friends this week. Many things are going on in their lives, and they have filtered in and by necessity, we have had to be involved in much of the emotional outcry of the situation.

That situation has brought to mind problems we have had ourselves and the painful times we've endured. It has been a reminder of my own failures and faults that hasn't been very pleasant. And yet, I realize, I am a different person for having come through those times. I am grateful for the man God chose as my husband and for the blessings we have enjoyed.

Relationships are difficult. If one is worth building, then there must be times of reflection, times of communication, times of prayer, times of forgiveness, times of patience. Just as I Corinthians 13 says, love is many things, most of which we do not consider when we speak of love.

I've said it before, but it is worth saying again, I know that my husband wakes up every morning and decides to love me, even on the days I am unlovable. And as I have witnessed this week, I realize how very hurtful words can be, and I can honestly say, there have been very few occasions on which my husband has hurled hurtful things at me. We did fall into a habit of speaking sarcastically or hatefully recently, and it has taken diligence to break that habit. One thing I saw this week was "zingers" being hurled and knowing that they weren't said in jest but with a hidden truth. When called on that, however, it was all "just teasing".

I learned many years ago that those hurtful zingers were often used as a defense mechanism and though denied, they were not meant to be funny but to hurt.

Communication is key. Former president, Bill Clinton, traveled to North Korea this week to negotiate the release of two Americans who had been tried and sentenced to 12 years at hard labor. I won't go into the politics of this action, but I am certain that the communication between Clinton and the North Koreans was civil and polite. Even if disagreements arose, insults were not hurled and no zingers were thrown.

Honesty is a requirement for successful relationships, but honesty must be tempered with love. Even bad things that have to be said, should be expressed with caring and gentleness. I used to manage an urgent care center. I loved the job and especially enjoyed the administrative responsibilities except for having to counsel someone about problems with job performance. I decided early on to try very hard to conduct those meetings in such a way that the employee knew that even though there might be areas that needed work, I really valued her and appreciated having her on my staff. My methodology was this. For every complaint I had, I had to come up with a compliment about her job performance and one extra. I started with a compliment, then expressed an area that needed work, then another compliment. When I began looking for those positive things to note, I found it to be far easier than I'd expected. I learned to see the good things about my staff members and how to focus on those.

This morning, the devotional I read spoke of that very thing. When met with disappointments, how do I respond? Can I look at that event and say, "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it is a pretty good day,"?

When it is tempting to lash out as someone for disappointing you, can you stop and look for a blessing that exists because you know him or her? Can you put aside everything you want to say until you have considered how it will sound to his or her ears? Can you show enough restraint to look at the big picture? Can you ignore the speck in his eye while dealing with the log in your own?

Most of us, in our human form, are focused on looking out for ourselves. Only when we learn to put the focus on others, will we be completely blessed in our relationships. My daughter's boyfriend is gifted in finding ways to make her happy. Watching her work to learn to find ways to do that for him is rewarding because it is reshaping who she is and I see it filtering into everything else she is doing. She has a ways to go before she masters it, but no one has had to tell her to do it. It is happening in her because it is happening to her.

So my prayer for today is that I will focus on others in my life, that my desires and needs will take a back seat to those of the people I love and come in contact with. It may mean taking a moment to thank a store clerk for her service or holding the door for a young mother struggling to complete errands with tired and cranky children. It may mean just telling my husband that I love him and I appreciate him. In fact, that is a good place to start.